Eavesdropping Never Works
by Meruhen Wind
Summary: Because the Hyuuga line, as ancient and powerful as it may be, cannot resist gossiping at some point. And because Neji, as much of a stick in the mud as he is, will not resist eavesdropping. NejiHina, crack!Hyuuga clan, and other stuff.


Author's Note: …yeah…um…there's really little to say about this one except I think I was toxically sugar high when I wrote this…and I shamefully ripped off two of my previous stories in how I wrote the Hyuuga elders. _Again_.

Also, I apologize for any inconsistancies with the canon Hyuuga clan. While some of those inconsistancies are done on purpose (such as the elders' personalities), some of them are due to my sheer ignorance of the Hyuuga clan system.

* * *

There is no such thing as privacy within a clan. Whether it was baths built for ten or more people, dining tables that stretched across two whole rooms, or the fact that _yes_, there _was_ a sixty-eight percent chance that at any given moment there was at least one clan member activating the tom-peeping er, all-seeing Byakugan, the Hyuuga clan was a prime example of the lack of privacy in a clan compound.

This lack of privacy, Hyuuga Neji reasoned, was widely known to all of the Hyuuga clan's members. If they didn't want to be seen, heard, or felt doing something, they didn't do it in the first place, especially not if it concerned _him_, their prodigy with ANBU-level hearing.

All of this went to prove, of course, that he certainly wasn't _eavesdropping_. Because, really, he had much more important things to do than _eavesdrop_ on the eight or so Hyuuga elders' conversation about Hinata and her marriage prospects (or lack of. Permanently lack of, if Neji had his way).

--

"What about that Uzumaki Naruto?" one of the older ones suggested with a wheeze.

"That commoner?"

"That commoner is one of the new generation of sandaime-"

"With, I might add, what appears to be one of the greatest chakra readings I have ever seen in my life!" (_That_, Neji thought vehemently, was _cheating_. He had the Kyuubi in him, for crying out loud! Besides, he thought, he as a proper, non-magical-creature-carrying, old-fashioned prodigy had quite a bit of chakra as _well_.)

"…no."

"No?"

"It was recorded by several of his female classmates that Uzumaki forcibly kissed and otherwise forced his emotions onto a certain Uchiha Sasuke."

"Well, whatever his romantic preferences, it's clear the boy is _going_ places. It'd be wonderful if we could marry a Hyuuga heir into a Hokage family position," gloated one of the more calculating and disliked elders.

"Now, now, you're all missing the point. Hinata-chan obviously has a crush on Uzumaki-kun. Being with him would make her happy," one particularly old elder began.

"Then we should marry her to him?"

"I never said that! Hinata-chan has a crush on him, but it's clear to me that such marriages should be avoided! For starters…he wears orange! It'd clash with the traditional Hyuuga colors! Not to mention totally offset our compound's interior decorations," the old lady finished proudly. (With a toss of his dark brown hair, Neji looked down at the whites, tans, and blacks that made up his wardrobe and smiled smugly.)

"Uzumaki Naruto ruled out, then?" an elder proposed officiously.

"Aye," the rest answered unanimously.

--

"What about Uchiha Sasuke? Also a sandaime, he's the perfect yin-yang foil Hinata needs! Why, Hinata-chan will dissipate a whole lifetime of childhood angst with a stutter of encouragement or two-" (_If she doesn't faint from fright, of course_, Neji dryly added) "-while his dark yearnings will no doubt act on our clan's more corrupt interests!"

"And the genetically-enhanced babies!" an old lady's voice rang out cheerfully.

"Uchiha-san is, sadly, a known killer and a missing-nin with psychotic leanings," a more pragmatic elder added. (_Got that right_, Neji smirked.)

"I take it Uchiha Itachi is also out of the question, then?"

"Undoubtedly."

"What about the other Akatsuki members?"

"…true love doesn't conquer _that_ much."

--

"Well then…Haruno Sakura?" (_Not. Going. To think about that. Not_, Neji thought with a twitch.)

"I would think that the point of Hinata's marriage would be her ability to have _kids._"

"What about-"

"_With_ her spouse. Naturally."

"Yamanaka-san?" (_Oh, for heaven's sake-!)_

"Out under the same logic."

"Well, how about Tenten?" And just like that, Hyuuga Neji's mind was forever traumatized.

"Out too, along with any _other_ females, you shoujo-ai pervert!" the old lady screeched with an ominous wave of her cane.

--

"Nara Shikamaru?"

"…too lazy."

"Akimichi Choji?"

"…too fa-"

"-Watch it!"

"…too pleasantly plump, then."

"Inuzuki Kiba?"

"Well, Hinata-chan's always had a soft spot for the rough and spirited types."

"Fleas, however, don't do much for the Hyuuga clan image."

"True."

"Aburame Shino?"

"You've got to hand it to him-branch seal or not, that kid could take clan secrets to the grave without the slightest flinch."

"I'm a personal fan of the sunglasses look myself."

"_I_, however, personally saved up to have the house fumigated three days ago and _refuse_ to have to pay for any more extermination."

"…makes sense."

--

Neji breathed a sigh of relief. That should have exhausted everyone in their age group that was a decent ninja-everyone, that is, except for the obviously most _qualified_ candidate. Yes, the only one Hinata should ever fall in love with should be the prodigious, talented-

"Then…Lee-kun?"

--

At this point, Neji lost it. Without a second thought, he stormed into the room as icily as he could-which, admittedly, wasn't very much. _Icily_ implied control of emotions and a calm hate. The best way to describe Neji at this moment was _livid_.

Livid Neji did not look pretty.

--

"_Lee_? The best husband you can find for Hinata-sama is _Lee_?! Did it ever occur to you that you might marry her to _me_ instead of my spandex-wearing, freak-of-nature, wouldn't-know-how-to-handle-a-girl-that's-not-Sakura teammate?"

"Neji-kun is right," the old lady elder agreed sagely, with a wise nod of her head. "I've seen him and Hinata-chan grow up together…train together…mature together…Neji-kun alone can be trusted to protect Hinata-chan's wellbeing…because he needs her as much as she will grow to need him…"

"…but how do you know that Neji is truly a suitable match?"

"Oh, that's simple," the old lady sighed. "In all my years of matchmaking, I have never found a greater expression of love than this: that a fatalistic, psychologically-unstable young boy proceed to beat up his younger cousin in an intense display of hatred and unresolved emotional tension only to afterwards propose marriage to her clan."

…wait a minute, Neji paused. …propose marriage? Right now, had he…officially…_proposed marriage_?

"There's no getting out of this now, Neji-kun," the old lady grinned, "I'll announce your honorable intentions to Hiashi-sama tomorrow morning. I would encourage you, however, to keep courting Hinata independently. It's a wonderful trick you've been using for the past three months, the "let-me-train-you" ploy. You should try to find the courage to give her those almond blossoms you've been ordering from Yamanaka-san nonstop-I'm sure she'd like them, you know. Well, Neji-kun, thanks to you, matchmaking operation number 294 is a success!" the old lady piped happily, patting a stunned, no-longer-livid-but-now-looking-equally-as-out-of-place-humiliated-Neji on the back before turning to leave the room.

Hyuuga Neji. Would. Never. Eavesdrop. _Again_.

* * *

Author's Note: People who have read my _Stuffy Noses_ and _For the love of clichés_ should have no trouble identifying which of the elders is Hinata and Neji's obaa-chan. XD Halfway into the story, I had an insane urge to change it to Hinata eavesdropping on her own engagement plans, but decided that a rabid Neji was much, much funnier.

Speaking of which, I'd also like to take the opportunity to state that, unlike Neji, I honestly think Lee x Hinata could reasonably work. Being purely logical about it, they're much more suited to each other than the more popular pairings that I'm fond of (like the superangsty Sasuhina, fairytaleending Naruhina, or even this story's (notso)bittersweet Nejihina). They're both hard workers that have overcome momentary bouts of self-doubt…I'm guessing that the only downfall to this pairing is that the thought of it alone would make poor Neji-niisan launch on a destructive rampage of the universe. Or tear his eyes out. One or the other. (Imagines Lee giving Neji a good-ole-youthful-brother-in-law-bonding-piggyback-ride. Again.) Any review, of course, would be wonderfully appreciated. :)


End file.
